A joke section? [Archive] - TURF - The Ultimate Rolex Forum

660ft-200m

10-21-2010, 07:56 AM

Could we have a "Joke" section, that would be nice, as I really enjoy to post clean jokes when I get them in.

Thanks guys

http://i894.photobucket.com/albums/ac146/safetrends/Funny%20Stuff%20August%202010/dancing_skeleton.gif

Java

10-21-2010, 08:42 AM

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

More Quotations……..

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity" thrust upon them.

Joseph Heller "Catch-22"

"That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them."

Dorothy Parker

"She's been on more laps than a napkin."

Walter Winchell

"She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together." John Cantu

"She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees."

Joan Rivers

"She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong." Mae West

"She's the sort of woman who lives for others -- you can tell the others by their hunted expression."

C. S. Lewis

"So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name."

Alan Bennett

"She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation."

Jean Webster

"She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens."

Michael Arlen

"She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious."

W. Somerset Maughan

"You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?"

Groucho Marx

"She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends."

Harold Nicholson

"She should get a divorce and settle down."

Jack Paar

"She was kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave you with nothing but peanuts and filberts."

Raymond Chandler

"No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast."

W. S. Gilbert

"Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast."

Oscar Wilde

"Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid."

Heinrich Heine

She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.

Ada Leverson

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

Groucho Marx

"She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people."

Robertson Davies

"She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again."

Charles Talleyrand

"She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake."

Margot Asquith

660ft-200m

10-21-2010, 10:13 AM

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

Java

10-21-2010, 10:16 AM

LOL

A friend of mine has that on his phone as a ring tone.

ChrisEdu

10-21-2010, 10:55 AM

Once upon ago, on a forum much like this, there was a funnies section. :)

harb

10-21-2010, 11:41 AM

Once upon ago, on a forum much like this, there was a funnies section. :)

"Funnies", you say...?

You mean something like this (http://newturfers.com/vb/forumdisplay.php?f=27)...? ;)

Java

10-21-2010, 12:02 PM

660ft-200m

10-23-2010, 06:46 PM

Thank you I am enjoying the Joke section.
http://i894.photobucket.com/albums/ac146/safetrends/Funny%20Stuff%20August%202010/catCongrats.gif

ChrisEdu

10-29-2010, 04:16 PM

Nice to see a request getting met. :)